That was today. I just feel like going to bed and crying. And please don’t tell me it’ll get better.
Well; my diabetic Grandma was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer on September 16th - 5 days after her birthday. She will be the third grandparent I would have lost to cancer, the fourth is still with us, thankfully. When she was diagnosed, we were told that she wasn’t expected to see 2012, and that she’d be lucky to see Christmas. Well, we still don’t know a time scale, but I don’t think we want to. Tonight is the second consecutive night that mum would have slept over at grandma’s house, to make sure that she “doesn’t get ill in the night” - does that sound like acceptance to you? No. Can you imagine losing both of your parents to cancer in the space of what is probably under 15 years? Don’t try, it just hurts. But that’s what my mum is trying to come to terms with. But she’s been dealing with depression for the last 6 or 7 years. So this isn’t exactly easy on anyone. Grandma has a life threatening blood clot in her leg at the moment, which thankfully she’s now getting medication for. Her left leg was at least twice the size of the right leg today, it was horrible to see.
When people tell me to cheer up and stuff like that it just annoys me, and I guess it hurts a little too. Even though they don’t know what’s happening. But I would have lost 3 people to cancer in the last 3 years. At least 6 that spring to mind over my life so far, and 3 of them are in this family. This family is haunted by cancer. Everything is getting to me right now. Fucking everything. Why are we so haunted by it? It’s horrible, it scares me. It’s got to the point where I wonder “So who’s next?” Because it’s horrible seeing someone suffer from cancer. They get weaker every time you see them and there’s absolutely nothing you can do, other than do stuff for charity and raise money in the hope that one day a cure can be found. We need to find a cure. And we need to find a cure soon. Because there are millions of lives out there that could be saved. It won’t save my grandma, and I know that. But it would save someone else. And sometimes, you just have to save who you can, and make the most of who you have whilst you have them, because it’s true: You don’t know what you have until it’s gone. I still feel that I’ve missed out on a lot because I never knew my granddads. I see stuff on here and on facebook and stuff like “oh granddad was telling me one of his stories again today and omg it was so BORING” I would have done anything to hear my granddad tell me a story. Either of them. Maybe that’s why I’ve always been able to appreciate it when my grandma tells me a story, but they’ve always involved my granddad, and I’ve always wanted to find out more about them both. They sound like amazing people and I really wish I knew them.
Please don’t tell me that everything will get better, because it won’t. It simply won’t. It’s terminal, it can’t get better. I can feel better - that can happen, but this… This won’t get better.